Did you know Nicole and Tom are battling over his new baby, that Angelina and Brad are going to split because of his jealousy, that Lindsay Lohan made Jessica Simpson cry in a late-night catfight? No? How could you miss these all-important stories when they?re screaming at you in the checkout aisle?
Personally, I don?t read supermarket tabloids. But for research purposes, I decided to buy a few. Right away, I connected with the checkout clerk. She told me she loves them, and “Oh, she’s having another baby, isn?t she?” I think she meant Britney Spears, who was on one of the covers.
I took the publications home in a nondescript plastic bag. Opening one, I was suprisingly rewarded. An article promised that I can have Sharon Stone?ws body “in 5 minutes!” by doing what she does ? engaging in short bursts of everyday activities, such as carrying bags and taking stairs instead of elevators. The article also mentioned Sharon is not a big eater. Hmm. Perhaps that might have something to do with her slim physique. Just in case, though, I?m not going to let my husband carry my bags the next time we’re at BWI.
I read on, but it was painful. Then I started wondering ? why do we need to know how Camilla wrecked William’s secret wedding? Why do we care about Jennifer, Brad and Angelina? Why do we want to see stars without their makeup?
I think it comes down to schadenfreude ? that feeling of satisfaction or pleasure we get over someone else?s misfortune. Famous people look so good that we secretly hope they?re miserable slobs with lousy marriages, screwed-up children and face-lifts gone bad. At the very least, we want them exposed as just average folks in designer clothing.
That explains these revealing facts: Britney Spears sometimes rubs her nose; Liv Tyler needs help carrying her purchases after shopping; and television star Donald Faison chats with other customers while getting coffee. Imagine that.
I was just wondering who in their right mind would spend time reading this garbage when my 34-year-old stepdaughter (a lawyer and college professor) stopped by. She saw the tabloids and then excitedly asked that if I had finished with them, could she read them? Ah, irony.
Deborah Stone?s column runs every other Thursday. E-mail her at [email protected].
