JOAN: What is single life like for a 47-year-old divorced woman who has tried everything to have a baby?
Lauren, a savvy professional woman in the publishing business speaks candidly on an emotional topic.
“My last date was a stalker. Dating is fruitless. I recently went out with a divorced doctor in his 50s with two kids who told me ?kids are overrated.? All he wanted to do was talk about sex on our first date.
“Frankly, I?m looking for a younger man. I have an enormous amount of energy; I?m always on the go- traveling, going to art films, working out.”
Lauren says her ex-husband never really wanted kids but told her he did so he wouldn?t lose her. She was 40 by this time and her clock was ticking.
“I went to an infertility doctor, left a 20-year career and my husband, and reinvented myself professionally so I could start a family. So far I?ve spent about $100,000 trying to adopt.
“Now I?m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It?s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”
DAN: Well, if the ancient Mayans were right (and I saw this on the History Channel, so you know it?s got to be true), the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012, so why worry? The Earth will line up with the black hole causing the north and south poles to change places resulting in all that Armageddonesque stuff we?ve read about in Revelations.
So, if some woman gets perturbed because she?s dating the wrong guy, who cares? But it?s nice that she?s trying to make life better for a baby. Whether our light goes out in the universe in four years or 40 million years is irrelevant, it?s about how we treat each other in whatever time that we have.
JOAN: And what does the end of the world have to do with this woman trying to have a baby and create a life for herself?
DAN: Easy. How can you have a life for yourself when life itself ends in four years? Personally, I find this a sobering thought.
JOAN: You remind me of a decision I made the day after 9/11.
I thought life and time are very precious; I?m going to make the most of every day. So I went to the mall and bought a sheer lemon yellow shower curtain with purple flowers at April Cornell for $130. It was very extravagant for me at the time, but I thought, “This makes me happy today.”
We can?t possibly know what?s going to happen in the future, so we need to be present in the present. That?s what Lauren is doing. She?s opening a space in her life every day for achild.
DAN: You might say she?s celebrating being single.
Well, like Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius might say ? when the barbarians burn your home and leave you for dead, why worry? Hmm, sounds more like Alfred E. Neuman.
The point is, don?t get upset over those things you can?t control. Focus on those things you can affect, like your life and the lives of those around you. Of course, dating a single parent with a child can be a challenge. A guy may want a girlfriend, but not a whole family. So Joan, what?s the answer?
JOAN: Well, here?s someone who agrees with wanting a girlfriend, but not the family package.
Rob Rush, 26, a real estate agent and mortgage broker said, “When you?re my age, you?re not interested in being responsible for someone else?s situation. I?m looking for someone in the dating scene, not with a family.” His solution is, “if you do have kids, find someone older who?s willing to take on the responsibility, or find someone in the same situation who can relate to what you?re going through.”
DAN: As per usual, it comes down to the individual. For every Mr. Rush, there?s a Mr. Slow who can ease into a situation with a partner who has kids.
As a bachelor with no children myself, I could speculate that hey, here?s my chance to put fatherly skills to work ? a new life experience. Maybe these kids will grow up and look after me someday.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
