There?s a saying, “Once bitten, twice shy.” Relationship disappointments can pile up like the sand, leaving one reluctant to test the dating waters. Why are they so shark-infested? Perhaps it?s not the waters, but your attitude. The lifeguards of love, Dan and Joan, are here to help you keep afloat.
DAN: There?s nothing like a bad dating experience to make you consider a monastery … those touching moments when that sweet girl you thought might be a wee bit emotional turns out to be channeling Charlie Manson and you envision yourself depicted in an episode of “American Justice,” it?s enough to make a guy price trips to the North Pole. Need to get away?
JOAN: I finally have the hang of dating and I?m enjoying myself now in that world. I ask friends and colleagues if they know anyone for me, and that I?ve decided I?d like to get married. I?ve had three dates in the past few months with new people. My advice is just don?t have any expectations. If the person is nice but there?s no chemistry, introduce him or her to a friend.
DAN: It helps to feel confident about where you are in your life and to have a strong support system when it comes to dating. For those of us who don?t, that?s where the fear comes in. So ask yourself, what are you afraid of ? rejection? That goes with the territory. If someone says, “Thanks, but there isn?t any chemistry for me,” it doesn?t mean there?s something “wrong” with you. You don?t denigrate the round peg for not fitting in the square hole.
JOAN: Peggy, a confident baby boomer whom we met at a recent singles function, says fear doesn?t stop her from dating ? it?s men?s expectations regarding sex. “I decided not to date because men my age want fancy sex early on. Yuck. I find it?s offensive to go there so fast.”
After being married to a military officer for 21 years, Peggy, now divorced, says she is happy where she is. “I don?t have to hold myself back anymore or dumb myself down. I have enough money, hobbies, a circle of friends, a lovely house and a good relationship with my kids.”
Peggy shares her list of four categories of men whom she has dated. No wonder she?s not dating!
1. Deadly dull
2 a. Fatally flawed ? benign (this subgroup includes slobs, men who can?t hold down a job, etc.)
b. Fatally flawed ? malignant (anger management problems, addictions)
3. Rakes (womanizers)
4. Emotionally intelligent, monogamous, married.
DAN: Ranks right up there with my Four Horsewomen of the Dating Apocalypse (the Bitter, Wounded, Desperate and Insane ? and now I add a Fifth ? the Golddiggers, and I don?t mean Dean Martin?s old backup singers). I was with you at that singles function, and it seemed the greatest fear was how to “get out there” and meet someone.
Easy: First do a personal inventory. Who are you, what do you like, believe in, your values ? you want these to jibe with whomever you may meet. Second, take part in activities that you find ofinterest. You mentioned your mother suggested you?d meet a lot of nice men if you took up bridge; well, maybe so (back when Eisenhower was president) but if you don?t like bridge, why would you want to be with someone who does? You like hiking? Join the Sierra Club. You like museums? Join the Walters. That way, even if you don?t meet someone, you?ll still have fun doing the things you enjoy.
JOAN: Yes, my mother did suggest that I learn bridge, but the only card game I excelled in was Old Maid. As far as where to go to meet someone, try a new neighborhood. If you want to learn Italian, why not sign up for a class at a community college across town? This way you?re increasing the number of new people you can meet.
Remember to ask friends if they know anyone single. But watch how you ask. Be upbeat and positive (i.e., “I?m ready to date again and wondered if you know someone wonderful”). Don?t be disappointed if they say they don?t know anyone now. When my friend Jane had some artwork framed by the owner of an art gallery, she asked if she knew anyone special. The gallery owner later called Jane and told her about a client who was recently widowed. They met, and they?re getting married in the fall.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
