NOTICE: The material in this “Casual” (COLUMN) has been prepared by an individual or individuals (referred to hereafter as PREPARER) in the employ of THE WEEKLY STANDARD magazine LLC (MAGAZINE) and not by MAGAZINE itself. COLUMN therefore does not constitute work product transferable for any purposes beyond those intended by the individual or individuals under whose direction it was prepared and distributed. Any implication to the contrary is wholly unintended and will be without force within the continental United States and its protectorates. Are we clear on that?
Good. Because this COLUMN may contain PRIVILEGED and CONFIDENTIAL information which PREPARER may or may not wish to divulge publicly but which, under the pressure of deadline, he may feel compelled to relate, describe, or convey, simply as a way of getting something down on paper and getting editor off PREPARER’s back. Such PRIVILEGED and CONFIDENTIAL information may include, but not be limited to, whimsical observations, recycled anecdotes, gimlet-eyed reminiscences, old jokes that sound much funnier after seven beers, insincere self-deprecation, and revelations of a personal nature that may have the unintended but, under the circumstances, completely unavoidable result of embarrassing PREPARER’s spouse, colleagues, children, old friends, or self. Especially self.
Note that under certain conditions clinical trials have shown that consuming whimsy, self-deprecation, and unsolicited personal anecdotes in concentrated doses, whether in print or electronically, may entail severe side effects, for which neither PREPARER nor MAGAZINE assumes responsibility, which is so typical. Side effects may include drowsiness, annoyance, uncontrollable rolling of the eyes, sub-vocalized epithets, snorting, and heated declarations never to watch Fox News Sunday ever again as long as you live. This list of side effects is hereby declared complete and comprehensive. If you’re looking for a four-hour erection like they talk about in Viagra disclaimers, you’ve come to the wrong place.
It is further asserted as a matter of right that PREPARER’s primary obligation under this disclaimer is to fill the allotted 18 inches of column space (or 710 words, whichever comes first), and in fulfillment of that obligation he reserves the right to reformulate, repeat, embellish, amplify, or “borrow” material that may or may not bear a resemblance to material that Dave Barry conceived, prepared, and disseminated in a column for the Miami Herald in December 1993 and which, PREPARER hopes, everybody will have forgotten.
If you are not the intended recipient of this communication, then go ahead and pass it along to someone who is and stop taking stuff that isn’t yours. If you are the intended recipient and if such communications offer, in recipient’s personal opinion, too much information (TMI) about PREPARER’s spouse, children, friends, or self, you are hereby notified that it is unlawful to review, disseminate, distribute, copy, or deface the paper on which COLUMN has been printed. Folding COLUMN into a paper airplane, rabbit ears, or any other origami-like configuration is strictly prohibited and may be punishable by fine. Discarding this communication, or leaving it on a subway train, municipal bus, or back seat of a taxi cab, even if such action is a result of negligence rather than pure pissy malice, will hurt PREPARER’s feelings and may be deemed actionable, depending on PREPARER’s mood.
Recipient is further advised that any responses to COLUMN will be catalogued and stored either electronically or by hand, and such responses, whether by electronic means or written communication, will be read carefully and with exaggerated anxiety by PREPARER, who has insecurity issues. MAGAZINE will not sell, exchange, or release such communications to any third party without your consent unless it is offered money to do so. Note also that the use of the word “issues” to mean “difficulties” or “problems” will annoy editors of MAGAZINE and result in immediate termination of COLUMN. We can hope.
If you believe you have read COLUMN in error and would prefer not to receive such columns in the future, whether in writing, by electronic mail, or some other unspecified mode of communication, please telephone 1.886.990.5555 and ask for Tiffany. Respondents are herewith notified that Tiffany is not an authorized representative of this entity or a properly accredited assignee of any of its affiliates or subsidiaries but she does sound like she knows how to have a good time. Her laugh tumbles as water from an alpine spring, and her eyes dance like firelight. Don’t get any ideas. Tiffany has six kids and works for a phone bank in Jaipur. Sometimes PREPARER envies her.
ANDREW FERGUSON
