Nowadays, there doesn?t seem to be a subject on Earth that someone in a white lab coat isn?t delving into via a clinical trial soon to be reported by the New England Journal of Medicine and People magazine. The topics range from vitamin supplements to love, but can science truly provide solutions to our romantic woes? Our resident doctors of détente, Joan and Dan, offer their prognosis.
DAN: Hanging 10 minutes on the Web, I found research that revealed that people who are in their 20s, college educated and solid financially are more likely to get and stay married. But if you live in Oklahoma (second-highest divorce rate in the nation), you best get a good lawyer. I?ve also learned there?s an MTV show called “Room Raiders,” where people choose their dates based on what they find in each contestant?s room. Sound silly? There?s researchon this topic as well. But what can I really glean from all this? Just because a guy has a stuffed owl in his den doesn?t make him Norman Bates. And not every young couple who marries in a Bible-belt state ends up fighting over who gets the Dale Earnhardt commemorative plates. While such research can provide some potential guidelines, the best yardstick for relationship success or failure lies not in our stats but in ourselves.
JOAN: We live in a strange country, where many of our wealthy are X-ray thin (to paraphrase author Tom Wolf), and many of our poor are obese. But statistics aren’t people; they’re numbers. So according to this study you found, uneducated, low-income people have a higher divorce rate. Frankly, I find that hard to believe. It makes more sense to me that people who have too many things want more things and may tire more quickly of their mate ? new Jaguar, new trophy wife. Their expectations may also be higher.
I find many research studies tainted. Look at the Ivy League study from the 1980s that said a woman over 40 had a greater chance of getting hit by a terrorist bullet than getting married. The study turned out to be bogus. They almost succeeded in giving my mother a coronary.
DAN: As I recall, the news of that Ivy League study nearly gave you a heart attack as well. But as they say, “He doth work in mysterious ways,” and that news, whether bogus or not, sent you on the path to “Celebrating Single.” So perhaps research does play a role. I just read about a recent survey that indicated women find men who drive “eco-friendly cars” more attractive than men who drive sports cars. Now is this because women are really into cars made out of recycled Pepsi cans that run on feed corn and flashlight batteries, or were these ladies just saying what they thought the surveyor wanted to hear?
JOAN: Truth be known, with the pressures of a Jewish mother pleading with me to get married before she died, that study sunk me into a depression. I even ended up seeing a therapist. Best thing I ever did. The therapist helped me look at patterns in my relationships ? being subconsciously drawn into relationships with brilliant scientists who had drinking problems. This was reminiscent of my father. Sometimes you just have to ask for help.
DAN: I?m a big proponent of therapy, particularly cognitive therapy that I find more “pragmatic” than the standard Freudian approach, which, in my experience, involved a guy in Dockers with face-buried-in-notepad going “Mmm-hmm” for 50 minutes. Cognitive therapy, you set realistic goals for improving your life and are given “homework” to make it happen. In this arena, research shows that women do shine above men as they are more likely to seek help. So guys, don?t let the females win! Smart men seek help when they need it, and smart is sexy, so keep that in mind.
JOAN: Well, Dan, for a change, I agree with you. I have nothing more to say on this. So let’s open it up to our readers. What do you have on your minds about being single, what?s tugging at your heartstrings?
Got a dating question? Send us your ideas for future columns, you?ll have a chance to appear in “Single in the City” as a guest columnist and have your photo taken with moi and Danny.
