Last week, Dan and Joan tackled the question of “What do you do with your ex?” Say goodbye forever? Keep her around as a friend? Take him to the exchange desk at Macy?s? The topic got our binary stars of the dating universe really twinkling, so they keep on where they left off.
JOAN: Excuse me ? the man I supposedly “shared my essence with” said he wanted to find the woman who, when he glanced across a room, he would know instantly was his soul mate, and I wasn?t she. Then he and his spiritual adviser decided he wouldn?t be seeing me again after his last visit to Baltimore. He just forgot to tell me that until I dropped him off four days later at the airport. I find that dishonest and deceptive. I don?t want to have a friendship with him at this time. I still believe he is a kind and caring person, but sometimes it?s best to have a clean break so you can move on with your life and meet new people.
DAN: Well, that?s the challenge we have with this column, isn?t it? We discuss what men and women are like, and these creatures don?t exist. It?s sheer hubris to believe that the limited experience that each of us has with a small circle of people can somehow translate into all-encompassing life rules that are applicable to both sexes. Bottom line is, we have to deal with each person we encounter, one at a time. What applies to Fred won?t fly with Jack. What works for Sally is anathema for Jane.
The pitfall I would want our readers to avoid is this: Don?t let your personal experiences sour you on dealings with the opposite sex. OK, so your man wasn?t as forthcoming as you might like. But perhaps he was afraid to come out and say what he wanted, and that?s a communication issue, one of the biggest problems in most relationships. Not to make excuses, but if we live our lives by the Golden Rule and put ourselves in the other guy?s (or gal?s) place, we might better weather our dating woes and be in a more positive frame of mind (and heart) when the next person comes along. It?s a theory, anyway.
JOAN: To continue with our conversation with Robin, 50, and Linda, 40, from our Starbucks interview on the topic of staying friends with an ex, Robin says, “My ex-husband is married to the woman who destroyed our relationship. Today, I have more dealings with her than with him, and I talk to her about my son. I went to their house for his graduation party. No matter how stressful that was, I did that for my son. Over time, I don?t have bad feelings for them.”
Linda says, “A number of guys I?ve gone out with ? guys who end the relationship with me ? I don?t want to be friends with them. I don?t want tobe friends with guys I?ve ended the relationship with either. It?s easier to be friends with people you don?t have romantic feelings for.”
DAN: So if Linda ends the relationship, one could assume she wouldn?t have romantic feelings for the guy. So, by her own words, wouldn?t it be OK to be friends with him? Personally, I think all guys have some romantic feelings for every woman in their life. They can?t help it, it?s hormones, it?s 100 million years of evolution. We just don?t act on those feelings. It?s only difficult if the feelings become too strong. But I think all men have a “low-level” attraction for every woman with whom they share some kind of relationship. Otherwise, why be friends with a woman? That?s what our male buds are for.
JOAN: I went on a blind date recently with a man who believes he knows within 20 seconds of meeting a woman if he?s in love. He?s had this with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, and the other women in his life are “just friends.” He says his female friends are very important to him because they last longer; they?re for life.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
