I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but whenever I want to look inside an NBA star’s pensive, brooding soul, I turn to his vanity hip hop albums. Listen to a track from any of Los Angeles Lakers’ star Shaquille O’Neal’s five albums, for instance, and you begin to understand how Shaq views the world around his 7-foot-1-inch, 338-pound self. Take this introspective passage from the all-star’s modestly titled “I’m Outstanding,” off of the album “Shaq Diesel”: So make way, I’m coming in for a landing / And nothing’s gonna’ stop me, from being outstanding / I’m outstanding . . . Shaq isn’t the only NBA player in touch with his poetic side. Philadelphia ’76er Allen Iverson recorded his own rap album, “Misunderstood,” but eventually decided against releasing the LP. Some of the album’s tracks made it onto the Internet, however, and while the bar for basketball-playing rappers is set rather low, Iverson rates as the best of the pack. Here, for instance, is a passage from the song “40 Bars,” in which Iverson explores the pangs of celebrity:
Die for zero digits; I’m a giant, y’all midgets
I know killers that kill for a fee
That’ll kill your ass for free, believe me
How you wanna die, fast or slowly?
Fast as a rolie, slow as a rolie polie?
And now it turns out that Shaq’s teammate, Kobe Bryant, once released a hip hop album of his own. Or rather, tried to release a hip hop album of his own.
Bryant is currently facing charges that he raped a young woman in a Colorado spa. But three years ago, he was laying down tracks on what he hoped would be another way to profit off his athleticism. The album, produced under contract with Columbia Records, would have been titled “Visions,” and was supposed to have been released in the spring of 2000.
There was only one problem. The album stank. Horribly. Here’s what one Columbia exec told the New York Post: “The album was supposed to be out in March, but then they listened to it again, and it was so bad they put the kibosh on it.”
It takes a moment to fully comprehend just how awful the album must have been for Columbia Records not to release it. Remember: Shaq has had five albums released.
Not that all of Bryant’s opus was banished to the dustbin of music history. Two singles, “K.O.B.E.” and “Thug Poet,” were released before Columbia killed “Visions.” The songs’ lyrics offer some clues as to why the album was never released, as well as providing insight into Kobe’s personality.
Here, for example, is my favorite passage from “Thug Poet”:
Kobe? Yeah, he’s real with the flow
Kick in the do’ wavin’ the flow-flow . . .
So cold, I put the ice in nicest
You too broke to pay attention
My style is priceless
And here’s a passage from “K.O.B.E.,” a duet Bryant performed with supermodel Tyra Banks, in which the all-star guard tells us just what he lives for:
Tyra: Kobe, how many girls have said “I love you?” / Not like “I love you Kobe!” like a fan / But like, for real, like, baby, marry me / I love you.
Kobe: Uh, what I live for? Basketball, beats, and broads / From Italy to the U.S., yes, it’s raw
In a scarily prescient passage, Bryant predicts his own downfall: Think ya eyein’ me, all along, I’m eyein’ you / The hunter becomes the hunted, girl, I’m preying on you . . . I figure, hour-glass figures could be dangerous / Cuz if your time runs out, they frame you for your clout / And having a past, well, I stereotype glass / All dimes ain’t money, ass, and feignin’ for a brother’s cash . . .
Bryant had every right to kickin’ in the do’ with the flow-flow. Megastars with too much time on their hands are entitled to a vanity music album, the way politicians write books. What’s particularly telling is that Bryant tried to cover up his short-lived music career. In an August 2001 interview, Bryant told CNN host Dalton Tanonaka that “Visions” was recorded “for my own entertainment,” and never intended to be released.
Kobe may have lied because he was too ashamed to admit he was a rap failure. But you’d think that he would have been happy to talk about his music experience. After all, he met his wife Vanessa while shooting the video for “K.O.B.E.”
Matthew Continetti is an editorial assistant at The Weekly Standard.
