You?d think it was Nietzche, but the quote, “Print is dead,” seems attributed mostly to Professor Egon Spengler ? the nerdy guy from “Ghostbusters” ? if a quick Google search is to be believed. Point is, you don?t see too many new forays into print nowadays, so kudos to Howard County resident Paula Bisacre, who recently launched a new quarterly publication “reMarriage” (www.remarriagemagazine.com), which takes a look at issues facing the 103 million Americans who are remarried or considering retying the knot.
Issues such as ? baggage. And we don?t mean Samsonite. Too often the words “I?ve got an ex and three kids” has the same effect on potential suitors as speaking “The Lord?s Prayer” in Latin has on vampires and the possessed. So what can you do? This week, Ms. Bisacre joins Dan and Joan with her insights.
PAULA: You are at a local wine festival. You find yourself sipping a Cabernet Sauvignon and chatting up a very attractive someone. Being instantly drawn to this person, youconsider him as dating material. “Hi, I?m Mary ? I love to ski, too ? I love Boston!” Suddenly, a voice is dreadfully repeating the same words: “my ex, my ex, my ex.” Or, in an even bigger mood killer, “my kids, my kids, my kids.” Make it stop. Does the whole scene just seem hopeless?
It doesn?t have to be. Millions of people in the dating scene are facing these same quandaries: How should I mention I have an ex or that I have kids? There?s the ever-so-slight hinting at the first meeting. “Yeah, I really enjoy going to Port Discovery.” A stronger tack may be, “I?d love to stay a little longer, but I have to run and take my son to the orthodontist.” Then there?s the method (not recommended) where you wait until you are on the fifth date when things are going swimmingly, and you drop the piranha in the goldfish tank.
Introducing your past to your possible future is never easy. But when you?re back on the dating scene after a previous marriage, accepting who you are and being comfortable with yourself is important. In the long run, that confidence is probably a lot more attractive to your new someone. If a potential date can?t accept you on Day 1, why bother with a Day 2? Accept that there are people out there who don?t want to become a stepparent or deal with an ex, and be ready to move on quickly. There are a whole lot of great people who have an ex and/or kids ? or who are still single ?who are going to embrace you for who you are. And getting in the habit of addressing potential issues up front, as a couple, is great practice for the unique challenges of remarriage.
JOAN: Obviously, you can’t hide the fact that you have children, but why does the first date have to turn into “True Confessions”? So I disagree with Paula’s premise, unless it comes up in the natural flow of conversation. If a person asks you if you have kids, don’t lie. It’s perfectly acceptable in the dating world today to have children. In fact, it’s much more acceptable than if you’ve never been married.
My point is, a first date gives two people an opportunity to find out if there’s any chemistry and if they want to see each other again. I’m suggesting just try to keep the first date light, like your beer.
DAN: There are some things it?s OK to hold back on ? your love of ukulele music, your preference for Capt. Picard over Capt. Kirk. But there are other things a person has a right to know up front: You have a communicable disease; your picture can be found in the post office; you have an ex-spouse and 17 kids. That?s because, if you come to love someone, you may find their Don Ho record collection endearing, but taking on a Brady Bunch of human beings (and let?s face it, humans are rather complicated) is not so easily embraced. So I agree with Paula. Now that doesn?t mean the first thing blurted out of your mouth has to be, “Hi, here are 58 pictures of my assorted offspring, and maybe you?d like to read my divorce settlement papers while we wait for coffee.” Perhaps one should wear a pin that says “Former Husband/Wife With Kids.” It would save a lot of wasted time in the bars, you must admit.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
