When you?re green with envy, you?re not doing much for your personal environment. Envy is like a toxic substance, a negative byproduct that arises when you watch your friends pair off with the loves of their lives while you remain home ? alone ? with only 500 or so cable channels to keep you company. You don?t want to feel jealous, but you can?t help it. This week, Dan and Joan take a look at dealing gracefully with the relationship successes of your friends.
DAN: I?m reminded of an episode of “Seinfeld” in which Elaine learns that George, the patron saint of losers everywhere, announces his engagement. George? The guy who lives with his parents, doesn?t have a job and pees in the gym shower? This guy is getting married, while beautiful, witty Elaine ? the belle of Baltimore (Towson, actually, for you “Seinfeld” fanatics) ? remains single? Get out! The key to avoiding bitterness is in your attitude. You?re not losing a friend, you?re gaining a potential new buddy. Have hope that if your pal has found a paramour, that means you can too. And if that doesn?t work, there?s always alcohol, Godiva chocolate and Häagen-Dazs.
JOAN: It?s OK to feel a pang of jealousy while feeling joy for your friend. But if the jealousy lasts longer than a few days, it might be a good time to ask yourself why you?re jealous. Is it because you think: A) I?m a good person, why doesn?t it happen to me? B) It will never happen to me, because I?m not lucky in love. Or C) I?ll never meet anyone. “A” is a valid answer. “B” and “C” are red flags about what?s going on ? or not going on ? in your life.
DAN: Joan, you amaze me. You?ve struck on an important point. The problem isn?t that a friend found love, the problem lies within ourselves, and this is a very un-American concept. We live in a society where we avoid responsibility like a fat person avoids rice cakes. We seek consultants for everything (that way, if the consultant?s advice works, you take the credit; if not, blame the consultant), and if anything bad should befall us, someone must pay. Truth is, sometimes bleep happens. When I worked for the State Highway Administration, I would get calls from people expecting the state to pay for chips in their windshields that happened while they were driving on state roads. So Suzie got a husband. Why can?t Jane be happy about that? If she can?t, it?s time to take a look in the mirror. If you don?t like your life, change it. If you can?t be pleased for your friend, you?re not much of a friend, are you?
JOAN: Well, wonders never cease. I actually agree with you. If youdon?t like your life, change it. And Baltimore therapist Judy Burch agrees, too. Here?s what she had to say: “The reason jealousy is such an explosive feeling is because it comes about with the threat of loss. For example, your best friend gets engaged and you feel the threat of loss ? losing a friend. Or a beautiful blonde walks by and your boyfriend looks at her. She threatens losing something you value ? your boyfriend ? and this sets up intense feelings. Frequently, jealousy takes place on an unconscious level. If it were on a conscious level, you could work it out more easily.”
To overcome jealousy, Burch says that you have to talk about how you are feeling. But this can get sticky:
“If you tell your best friend who is getting married that you?re jealous, she might respond with, ?You should be happy for me.? Jealousy is a very misunderstood emotion. Ask yourself this: ?What is the loss here, the thing of value I?m threatened that I?m going to lose?? If this is a pattern in your life, does this behavior prevent you from having what you want? Or ask yourself this: ?Am I developing behaviors that are hindering me from getting things I value?? If you?re always watching what someone else has that you want, then focus more on your desires and values to obtain things for yourself.”
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
