It’s almost Black Friday. You have a lot of gifts to buy, and you probably know a few political junkies. Here’s a guide to the best holiday gifts for fans of each 2016 presidential candidate. Not all of them have campaign stores, so you might have to get creative.
Republicans
Jeb Bush
Jeb Bush was quite the looker back in the day. The Bush campaign has conveniently put a sideburned-mustachioed 1970s Jeb on a tank top. Don’t worry, it says “JEB” in big letters so everyone will know you didn’t just get a picture of your dad put on a tank.
Runner-up: The Guaca Bowle
Ben Carson
Does your special someone want to “HEAL INSPIRE REVIVE”? Get them the Dr. Ben Carson scrub top!
Runner-up: “I got a fever and the only prescription is more Carson” shirt
Chris Christie
Christie doesn’t have a campaign store. You’ll have to settle for this “I HEART NJ” t-shirt instead. Note: the shirt was not made in New Jersey.
Runner-up: “Bullies for Christie” shirt
Ted Cruz
The poster is photoshopped, but the way it makes you feel is real. I wouldn’t have put this on a poster, but apparently demand is high — you have to allow three to four weeks for delivery. Better get your order in now.
Runner-up: Cruz Coloring Book
Carly Fiorina
If you have a friend named Carly, you can get them this bumper sticker even if she doesn’t like politics.
Runner-up: “Hillary Who?” dog t-shirt
Jim Gilmore
If you know someone whose favorite candidate is Jim Gilmore and they really think he can win, you need to buy them a dose of reality.
Lindsey Graham
Take the Lindsey Graham fan in your life to a bar in South Carolina, any bar, and tell them it’s the one where Graham grew up.
Mike Huckabee
The Huckabee “Defeat the Clinton Machine” shirt would actually work for any Republican. The comic book font for “DEFEAT” and use of the Clinton campaign logo make this the most interesting thing in the Huckabee store. Sorry, the Huckabee campaign store does not sell autographed Bibles.
Runner-up: “I Like Mike” t-shirt
John Kasich
For the gift that’s as bland as Kasich, get the Kasich for America white polo.
Runner-up: “Kasich for America” long-sleeved white t-shirt
George Pataki
The closest thing I could find to Pataki campaign swag was this Helga Pataki t-shirt. That should leave George Pataki crying “criminy!” at his campaign team.
Rand Paul
Rand Paul’s most-famous moment was the day he filibustered against Obama’s drone policy for almost 13 hours. Twitter supporters flooded newsfeeds with #StandWithRand. Celebrate that day by literally standing with these Rand Paul sandals.
Runner-up: Autographed Zombie Clown Target
Marco Rubio
Get two jokes for the price of one gift with the “Water Great Nation” water bottle! So punny.
Runner-up: Marco Polo
Rick Santorum
There are only six items in the Rick Santorum campaign store, so you’re going to get the word “Rick” and an eagle no matter what you buy. You might as well get two of each on this rally sign.
Runner-up: Rick 2016 white t-shirt
Donald Trump
What else were you expecting? The “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” hat comes in five color options. Camouflage is nice, but I’m partial to the classy, luxurious white and gold.
Runner-up: Trump for President Mini Megaphones
If your special someone is still hung up on a certain vice presidential candidate, there’s always Sarah Palin’s devotional book, “Sweet Freedom.”
Democrats
Hillary Clinton
Got so much pride? Got so little time? Get all the gay pride you can handle with the Hillary Clinton pride pack! Six pride buttons. Six pride bumper stickers. And a t-shirt with no rainbow colors that says, “Gay rights are human rights and human rights are gay rights.”
Runner-up: “A woman’s place is in the White House” throw pillow
Bernie Sanders
Schlep: (verb) haul or carry (something heavy or awkward). Show your affinity for Bernie Sanders and yiddish terminology with Bernie’s Schlep Bag! “Schlepin’ the Progressive Agenda … and some groceries too!” Sanders believes in free health care, but not free tote bags, so the Schlep Bag will run you $27.
Runner-up: “Contents May Bern” Coffee Mug
Martin O’Malley
All the confused looks you get wearing the “O’M” t-shirt will give you the chance to make sure more people actually know who Martin O’Malley is.
Runner-up: the same shirt, but in long sleeves.
Jason Russell is a commentary writer for the Washington Examiner.
